I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

We might embody those qualities we desire to possess by embracing them, over and over, until the line between seeming and being is no more.

The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life.

The act of meditation is being spacious.

Treat your anger with the utmost respect and tenderness, for it is no other than yourself.

Just remember, the single most important thing in this world is love. You find it, you fight for it.

For one swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day; and so too one day, or a short time, does not make a man blessed and happy.

Nothing bad ever happens, why should I care?

The ones who don't do anything are always the ones who try to pull you down.

When gifts are replaced by rights, so is gratitude replaced by claims. And claims breed resentment