I don't want to be mean. I try not to be.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

The Democratic Party of the USA would greatly appreciate your cooperation with re-installing Mr & Mrs Pinocchio into the White House.

Only one wish I have, and that is to die a happy man.

Otaguro’s bosom heaved with an ineffable surge of joy. “Every man is fighting, ” he murmured. “Every man.

You have got a sharp tongue, haven't you honey? You'll have to watch it or you'll go to a lonely spinster's grave.

The vices we scoff at in others laugh at us within ourselves.

It was a show that you played at home and you're saying to the contestant do this and do that. When you at home are involved in yelling at the screen, then you know you've got an audience.

The frenzy of nations is the statesmanship of fate.

The last thing in the world my parents would want to do is get on a stage or do a movie. They would probably rather die. But they let me be who I was, and they supported me.

This stupid sensitivity! But then women like sensitivity.

I donate money to the existing foundation that funds the US Ski Team kids.