I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Sometimes the words that are left unspoken are the ones that most needed to be said.

Everyone must accept that we will age and age is not always flattering.

If I became just a brain in a jar - as long as I can communicate back and forth with people, that would be okay with me.

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

Let God's promises shine on your problems.

Like, What is the least often heard sentence in the English language? That would be: Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche parked outside?

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

In 1957, I was a 16-year-old office boy for the Dodgers.

[Pope Francis] did something that both his two predecessors had failed to do - John Paul II and Benedict. Francis met with the Russian patriarch of the Orthodox Church.