I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's important for me to keep that presence going.

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

How could I miss you while you are never off of my mind.....while you are never missing from my heart

The man who has done his level best and who is conscious that he has done his best is a success even though the world may write him down a failure.

If you want to be the best, you have to do things that other people aren't willing to do.

What is, is, and what might have been could never have existed.

Tea-making is a ritual that, like the drink itself, warms the heart somehow.

When I go in front of the light - go towards it - it is because it brings me energy. That's all.

I discovered you can get closer to a characters thoughts and feelings in a book than in a film.

With every kiss, we'll promise this, we'll find a way to light the dawn of all we wish.

We are taught by great actions that the universe is the property of every individual in it.

If we see only the problems, we will be defeated; but if we see the possibilities in the problems, we can have victory.