I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.

When we turn, is there something shoved inside of us or is it more that something inside of us has been released?

I was too crazy in my teenage years and I wasn't doing anything that made any sense.

It is the fire of suffering that brings forth the gold of godliness.

I and my public understand each other very well: it does not hear what I say, and I don't say what it wants to hear.

Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought.

I have always believed that life is too short for rows and disagreements. Even if I think I'm right, I would prefer to apologize and remain friends rather than win and be an enemy.

Style is an expression of your individuality. Who you are and what your mood is, is what you wear.

Death cancels everything but truth; and strips a man of everything but genius and virtue. It is a sort of natural canonization.

Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'