I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Men live by intervals of reason under the sovereignty of humor and passion.

We can't continue to be like this. Who am I? Your fiancée or your concubine?

When I go into the stores, I pet the saddles. Until security comes and takes me away.

People were even too scared of me to tell me that people were scared of me.

I always find time to hang with friends at least once a week or just watch TV and play video games. The combination of Netflix and food is just the best.

Poetry is the most bodily of the arts.

I feel like if I ever got into some sort of rumble on the street, I will actually be able to defend myself.

I'm not suspicious of success, I'm suspicious of the people who want to attach themselves because of your success.

There is the same difference in a person before and after he is in love, as there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning.

I was very blessed with a good body. Never got hurt. Never was in the hospital. The only time I was in the hospital was when I would get exhausted a little bit, and go in for a check-up or something.