I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

The mediator of the inexpressible is the work of art.

One can not be an American by going about saying that one is an American. It is necessary to feel America, like America, love America and then work.

The guys I date always want to test my strength and wrestle around. By the end, they're drenched in sweat.

You don't lie to your own doctor. You don't lie to your own attorney, and you don't lie to your employees.

You can hand out condoms, drop bombs, build roads, or put in electricity, but until the girls are educated a society won’t change.

The insurgents are Baathists and Sunnis in Iraq who have as their goal a separate and distinct one of toppling the government that is there and creating their own.

I cannot speak but I am doubted, every moment judged for lies, as though I come into a court when I come into this house!

I try to be - well, not holy - but my whole family is very religious, and I want to be like that, too. So I try my hardest to be more in touch with the Lord.

Hurricane Sandy was one of the most vicious storm systems to hit the New York City area in nearly two centuries.

Houses are built brick-by-brick. HOMEs are built word-by-word. Houses don't build themselves. So YOU must build your home.