I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

If you improve a teacher's self-esteem, confidence, communication skills or stress levels, you improve that teacher's overall effectiveness across the curriculum.

We do not consider patriotism desirable if it contradicts civilized behavior.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

On being asked by someone how he could become famous, Diogenes responded: 'By worrying as little as possible about fame

Moral disarmament is to safeguard the future; material disarmament is to save for the present, that there may be a future to safeguard.

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

AIDS win be our first priority, but in two years' time we don't know where AIDS research will stand, so we are also thinking of activity on other diseases.

You make your work and you can't ask for approval when you're doing it. Otherwise, it's going to be untruthful in some way.

Our ideals of freedom, set forth and realized in our Constitution, are our greatest export to the world.

America doesn't have the moral right to tell other people what to do. To say the whole world has to fall into line is you-know-what. I hope more people will rise up.