I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

It’s a number.”“It’s not, ” she said. “It’s a chance to wake up new.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Live every moment in the present. Do it. Risk it. Buy it if you love it. Loving well takes practice, delicious practice. If it feels good, it must be good.

Where the quality of life goes down for the environment, the quality of life goes down for humans.

That's the great thing about being in the third grade. If you've got one polysyllabic adjective, everyone thinks you're a genius.

Whoever takes just plain ginger ale soon gets drowned out of the conversation.

You were born God's original. Try not to become someone's copy.

No sustainable prosperity or security can be attained at the expense or marginalization of others. Indeed, in today’s world, humanity will either triumph or fail as a whole.

Love possesses seven hundred wings, and each one extends from the highest heaven to the lowest earth.

Success is nothing if you don't have the right people to share it with, you're just gonna end up lonely.