I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Mountains are moved when we choose positivity, when we choose to exert the power of love, when we chip away at our problems 1 day at a time.

It's called Valentine's Day, you moron. If you're going to date a human, Dankmar, you need to remember their holidays.

With the disappearance of God the Ego moves forward to become the sole divinity.

It is a big adjustment but I've always loved that old saying of Jack Nicklaus: 'I retired from golf to go to work.' That sums it up for me.

I think to find an escape route out of a music industry that is becoming more and more focused on making money.

I don't believe in coincidence.

Jeff knew full well what he was walking away from. Again, he needed to deal with this right away.

If you're a human being walking the earth, you're weird, you're strange, you're psychologically challenged.

Luke was a little boy in a growing body that felt pain and sadness and fear for his mum, and he always believed he would be safe with his dad.

Every man whose business it is to think knows that he must for part of the day create about himself a pool of silence.