I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

You can only do what you can, and what doesn't get done, just doesn't get done.

Stop now and always wonder. Press forward and tap the wonder.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

War is not pretty from any angle, and the most vulnerable organ in the body is the brain.

I pray thee, sir, forgive me for the mess/And whether I shot first, I'll not confess. - Han Solo

I think George Mitchell is a consummate professional. He is the ideal selection to handle the job of special envoy if you choose to have a special envoy.

I love Google. I was there for 13 years, and if you told me I'd be as happy anywhere else, I would've probably doubted it. But I am as happy, if not happier, at Yahoo.

Natural farming is just farming, nothing more. You don't have to be a spiritually oriented person to practice my methods.

"The New York Times" is reporting correctly that women had accused a presidential candidate of sexual assault. Now that's news on any level. I mean you can't argue that that's not news.

I'm an American, I don't have to see something to know it's stupid!