I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Once in a while our school has half days, and the teachers spend the afternoon 'in service, ' which I think must be a group therapy for having to deal with us.

I think his team are mirroring Stuart Pearce as the player he was. (on Manchester City)

Only the good die young.

Make the most out of every single day you have on earth and be thankful for them.

The more positive you are when you think and work toward your goals, the faster you achieve them.

You need to learn to be with the suffering that inevitably arises in your life.

The Christmas gift of peace was the uncoiling of the links of a triple chain that first unites a person with God, then with himself, then with his neighbor.

A good writer wants from us — or has no right to ask more than — intelligence, good faith and time.

Parenting tip: complement your child on something well done when they don't think you are looking!

You'd have civil war. You'd have a race war in this country.