I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

Madame, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you.

A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.

The last seven weeks have been crap without you. All I wanted was to talk to you, see you again Kiss you.

She is increasingly of the opinion that worrying about problems doesn't help solve them, but she hasn't really found an alternative yet. Surely you can't just leave them there.

You tell anyone I cried, I'll find a dead fish, put it in a sock, hide it in your room, and let it putrefy.""Fair enough.

...the one aim of those who practice philosophy in the proper manner is to practice for dying and death.

I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it.

Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what they have been through.

I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from vice.

Consciousness is a fascinating but elusive phenomenon: it is impossible to specify what it is, what it does, or why it evolved. Nothing worth reading has been written on it.