I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve.

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

The big yellow one is the sun!

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?

Repeating positive installing statements for a few minutes, and then thinking negatively the rest of the day neutralizes the effects of the positive words.

Don’t hate people who show you what’s wrong with you. They are your mirror, they are your true friends.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

I watch Letterman. Once in a while, on the odd night, I'll catch the Food Network and watch 'Ace of Cakes, ' which I'm kind of obsessed with.

Tell them we'll be dancing, dancing 'til we drop, it's time to get down and do the Horizontal Bop.

The technical process which is interesting in it's own right but I think the creative process is what's more intriguing to me.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Don’t be afraid to ask God for forgiveness. He never tires of forgiving us. God is pure mercy.

Discipline your mind to think positively; to see the good in every situation and look on the best side of every event.

Nothing is proved, all is permitted.