I enjoy Modern Family very much. Good TV program. I don't know why. I just find that so many of the jokes land. So many of the actors are so great. Phil Dunphy is one of my favorite characters ever.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

The most beautiful thing about the most beautiful roads is that the destination is forgotten and the journey becomes the destination itself!

Events in life mean nothing if you do not reflect on them in a deep way, and ideas from books are pointless if they have no application to life as you live it.

Help others while respecting the Sacred Law of Free Will. By recognizing and honoring God in others, you recognize and honor God within yourself.

Everyone has their own way of expressing happiness.

You can't make a perfect painting. We can see perfection in our minds. But we can't make a perfect painting.

You know, I'd love to do a Maxim shoot. But I'm not going to do it, because that's just stupid to do.

Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

There is nothing a Man of good Sense dreads so much in a Wife, as her having more Sense than himself.

When "Why not do it?" barely outweighs "Why do it?" — don't do it.

Good manners are never passé.