I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

She'd always been a little excitable, a little more passionate about books than your average person, but she was supposed to be -- she was a librarian, after all.

We worry about many things. And pray about few things.

Freedom without rules doesn't work. And communities do not work unless they are regulated by etiquette.

You are so much more than you are in this moment; you never know how great you can be. Don't give up on you, I didn't give up on me.

Right underneath your thoughts and negative emotions exists an ocean of love. You have but to quiet the mind to experience it.

We live in the time of the colossal upright oblong.

You learn to be comfortable in your own skin, and your body changes throughout life, so you can't sweat the small stuff.

I don't judge people by their bodies. Even when I was a young girl I liked men for their minds. Now that I'm middle-aged I see how right I was.

What humans do when they're desperate is just an expression of fear. What they do when they feel safe is a better indication of whether or not you can trust them.

Football is Lotto for kids from economically vulnerable neighborhoods.