I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.

Your beliefs are decisions

The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything... or nothing.

Our achievements are generally limited only by the beliefs we impose on ourselves.

There will be people who will teach for the sake of greed or for the sake of ego. So watch their lives. Do they look and act like Jesus?

Be good. This will make your angel happy. When sorrows and misfortunes, physical or spiritual, afflict you, turn to your guardian angel with strong trust and he will help you.

My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring.

Your dressing area should be your private space.

The way I see it, anyone who's proud of their country is either a thug or just hasn't read enough history yet.

I thank the Lord for the brain He put in my head. Occasionally, I love to just stand to one side and watch how it works.

Some people believe that I will go nowhere, and maybe they're right, but maybe they're not.