I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed.

I often choose to be alone, but I never feel lonely.

There are 31.536.000 seconds in a year. I am counting down every second.

After people have repeated a phrase a great number of times, they begin to realize it has meaning and may even be true.

O my people, I disavow all that you associate [with God]. I orient my face with an exclusive orientation towards Him, who created the heavens and the earth and I am not one of the associators.

Laughter is grace in its gaseous form.

Most American media outlets that are controlled by Jews seem to be reflexively, or at least habitually, anti-Israel.

As someone who has grown up living in Southern California, I know all too well about the costs and scarcities of water.

Procrastination isn't the problem. It's the solution. It's the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast.

All the concessions we make to Eros are holes in our desire for the absolute.