I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.

Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'

The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.

John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.

The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.

New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.

President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.

Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'

Time is simply the measurement of human progression against that of existence.

You ruin is your rebellion against God.

I discovered the miracle that all things that sound are music, including the dishes and silverware in the dishwasher, as long as they fulfill the illusion of showing us where life is heading.

When you confront, you are trying to avoid a conflict.

There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.

One generation's idea of fast pace might be different from a later generation's.

My goal for the next decade is to try to make it as easy to save the world in real life as it is to save the world in online games.

Popular psychology is a mass of cant, of slush and of superstition worthy of the most flourishing days of the medicine man.

I'm pushing 60 years of age...and that's enough exercise for me.

You can never be too far away from a disaster, because there is no disaster-free zone in this entire universe!