I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

I have a pretty large experience of boys, and you're a bad set of fellows. Now mind!

Such then is the human condition, that to wish greatness for one's country is to wish harm to one's neighbors.

What is next to ecstasy?Pain.What is next to pain?Nothingness.What is next to nothingness?Hell.

In memory, she lived and moved and laughed, but all that a photograph could offer was one frozen moment of a life.

In order to deal with reality successfully - to pursue and achieve the values which his life requires - man needs self-esteem; he needs to be confident of his efficacy and worth.

In your cells right now, an enzyme is making a copy of your dna in less than two hours, right in the nucleus.

Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.

Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair.

Literature is my calling To hold up the mirror to my countrymen comes natural to me; and in the open field of invention I am not without hopes of giving them pleasure.

Custer is said to have boasted that he could ride through the entire Sioux Nation with his Seventh Cavalry, and he was half right. He got half-way through.