I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Man’s glory lies not, Lincoln thought, in ‘his goodness, ’ for this is often nonexistent. He derives glory, instead, from his being made in the image of the Living God.

If you want him to do it, you've got to change the picture of the world inside his head.

Get rich. Live life to the fullest. Destroy the world.

Our active civil position will lead us to the manifestation of the glory of God in our nation

True character is revealedby the way people react to the bigger challenges in life.

The government was set to protect man from criminals, and the Constitution was written to protect man from the government.

How few young men realize that their success in life depends more upon what they are than upon what they know. It is self-esteem that has brought the race this far.

The first story I finished was when I was six years old.

But in the east the sky was pale and through the gray woods came lanterns with wagons and horses, bringing Grandpa and Grandma and aunts and uncles and cousins.

Choose your customers. Fire the ones that hurt your ability to deliver the right story to the others.