I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

I would rather trust my child to a serpent than to a teacher who does not believe in God.

There are several ways in order to reduce the housing problem.One way is to allow a developer to buy land more cheaply if it's in an outlying area.

Nixon wasn't really considered the president by the youth of America. He was considered to be a fraud and which he proved himself to be.

I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I'm not there.

I love to watch movies, go swimming and just chill. Fun stuff relaxes me.

Life is never as long as we want it to be, and wasted time can never be recovered.

There are rules in advertising, and those rules are self-imposed by the client companies because they don't want their products to be seen as dishonest.

Good cheer is a great lubricant; it oils all of life's machinery.

I have to say, I'm really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date.