I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

...hero or not, he wanted to hold her forever and not let go.

I would like to have nothing to do with you for hours on end and then come back and find you, come back with things I’ve thought and found all on my own— on my own, not through you.

With a little effort, anything can be shown to connect with anything else: existence is infinitely cross-referenced.

In a way, Anglo-Saxon poetry cannot be translated.

... but every person who does serious time with a keyboard is attempting to translate his version of the world into words so that he might be understood.

Love is nature's psychotherapy.

Had it not been for the Atlantic Ocean and the virgin wilderness, the United States would never have been the Land of Promise.

It still hurts," she whispered. "Even when you're doing it for someone else, that doesn't stop your ribs from getting cracked, or your wrist swelling, or your cuts from bleeding.

Stones are mute teachers; they silence the observer, and the most valuable lesson we learn from them we cannot communicate.

Every show on television has a downward trend because there are so many more things to watch. You can only deal with what is the benchmark of a hit series and 'Survivor' clearly remains a hit series.