I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

It is unreasonable to expect a known corrupt law enforcement department to uphold your legal rights.

If God sends us on stony paths, He will provide us with strong shoes.

Every truth has four corners: as a teacher I give you one corner, and it is for you to find the other three.

I will now make a scorpion appear in Osama bin Laden's pants

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Though I was not a belligerent kid, I do not think I ever passed up a good opportunity to fight.

"Chocolate mustache" is from a line in the book. It's my favorite title (chosen by me), so I'm pleased that Never Spit was tossed.

It is not so difficult to win love as to keep it!

If we want to sum up the theory of evolution by natural selection in two words, which have great relevance for all societies and businesses, we should simply remember: diversity works.

At long last, she gasped out, "It’s Seth." "What happened?" I demanded. "Is he okay?" "He ended it." Her crying renewed. "He broke the engagement and told me it was over.