I feel like people have more in common than the news reports.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Maybe times are never strange to women: it is just one continuous monotonous thing full of the repeated follies of their menfolks.

The wretch, concentred all in self, Living, shall forfeit fair renown, And, doubly dying, shall go downTo the vile dust, from whence he sprung, Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.

If one more person tells me this is just like old times, I swear I'll jump out the window.

It's your gift, to see the beauty and the horror in ordinary things. It doesn't make you crazy, just different.

Learning is a friend on the journey; a wife in the house; medicine in sickness; and religious merit is the only friend after death.

People aren't the same. Business is, in my opinion, all about the team that fields the best players. It's not about an idea. An idea goes away. Somebody catches up with it. It's not about a widget.

The abuse of love, like the abuse of health, brings suffering and death in its train.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

You never know what a person is going through, regardless of how much money they make or however great a life you think they're living.

People who work every day are kind of scared of things they don't understand.