I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

To find yourself, be yourself. To get lost in yourself, love yourself unconditionally.

We create our fate every day . . . most of the ills we suffer from are directly traceable to our own behavior.

I think overall the majority of people who are practicing it as a subject are following the right line. For the aberration, don't blame yoga or the whole community of yogis

One thing we have to do: Repeal and replace the disaster known as Obamacare.

Every man looks at his wood-pile with a kind of affection.

You will learn more about the people you work with in three minutes by asking them what they do for nothing, than by working with them for three years in the same team

I know a lot about being white - because I have to, I live in the white world. A white person doesn't live in the Indian world. I have to be white every day.

The needs of others are ever present, and each of us can do something to help someone.... Unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives.

The only thing bad about winning the pennant is that you have to manage the All-Star Game the next year. I'd rather go fishing for three years.