I feel like we can prove in real time the old trope that comedy is tragedy plus time.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

May the judgment of the dead find you justified.

What's the point of doing anything if nobody's watching?

In the end, I think, the state's rigidity is a function of its own insecurity, its indecisiveness.

I didn't go to Harvard or Princeton, but I can count - the defunding box canyon is a tactic that will fail and weaken our position.

A little less conversation, a little more ACTION.

The honest poor can sometimes forget poverty. The honest rich can never forget it.

It's a real roller-coaster ride if you're lucky to have longevity in this business - you have to be able to ride those waves.

I like extremely effeminate dogs like terriers or schnauzers. I make an exception for giant schnauzers and big poodles. Basically, I like dogs which can be dyed day-glo colours.

And soon a branch, part of a hidden scene,The leafy mind, that long was tightly furled,Will turn its private substance into green,And young shoots spread upon our inner world.

Fear is your friend. It is an indicator. Sometimes it shows you what you shouldn't do, more often than not it shows you what you should do.