I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Every sunrise is an invitation for us to arise and brighten someone's day.

I’m not ‘stubborn.’”“Oh, really?”Lifting my chin, I said, “I’m determined.” (Violet to Doc)

We live in a universe driven by chance, ” his father had said once, “but the bullshit artists all want causality.

I will try to cram these paragraphs full of facts and give them a weight and shape no greater than that of a cloud of blue butterflies.

People who do not worship are swept into a vast restlessness, epidemic in the world, with no steady direction and no sustaining purpose.

Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

Poetry is the mathematics of writing and closely kin to music.

I need to be more consistent about taking care of myself no matter how busy I am.

Take hope from the heart of man, and you make him a beast of prey.

If you're going to write something, that's going to be read by people, a lot of people, you hope it will not only entertain them but maybe do them some good in some way.