I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Why ask for your daily bread when you own the bakery?

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

Half the unhappiness in life comes from people being afraid to go straight at things.

Film your murders like love scenes, and film your love scenes like murders.

I don't know much about death and the sorriest lesson I've learned is that words, my most trusted guardians against chaos, offer small comfort in the face of anyone's dying.

If you're craving oatmeal cookies, apple sauce won't do.

Gossip is dying out because fewer and fewer people care to talk about anything besides themselves.

I want to be in places I've never been before.

In Europe, the big word is tolerance. You tolerate everything.

The work I've done is the work I know, and the work I do is the work I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.