I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Leading means running fast enough to keep ahead of your people

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Whenever you're faced with an explanation of what's going on in Washington, the choice between incompetence and conspiracy, always choose incompetence.

If you're going climbing with young people, you get very, very used to seeing your climbing partner as a tiny little dot.

Physics is experience, arranged in economical order.

God's justice and love are one. Infinite justice must be infinite love. Justice is but another sign of love.

Rental formal wear of the sky-blue, brocade and shiny varieties is favored by upwardly mobile young gangsters drafted as groomsmen for weddings.

There's a lot of crappy music that people like, you know, all over the world, and Norway is definitely not an exception.

Scholes was England's best football player. It was impossible to take the ball from him, and he never mishit a pass.

We're losing a species every few seconds. We cannot put them back. If we change our mind and say, 'Oops, we made a mistake' - it's too late. This is the world we live with.