I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I've got a pretty good idea what children are, and we're not children. Children can lose sometimes, and nobody cares.

Remember the son of whom you are because a good name is better than gold or silver

Different people have different opinions, and it's okay to respect all of them.

Anorexia is a disease that happens to people, mostly women and girls, who have obsessive, perfectionist personalities.

One must confront vague ideas with clear images.

Your faith is measured by how well you love those who can't stand you.

In Greece we're too poor to go to psychiatrists -- we have friends instead.

Problems can only exist if they have your attention.

With bombs and fires, you get only one mistake.

There are many different ways to practice meditation; it's good to experiment until you find one that seems to suit you.