I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

In the business people with expertise, experience and evidence will make more profitable decisions than people with instinct, intuition and imagination.

Champions are champions not because they do anything extraordinary but because they do the ordinary things better than anyone else.

You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game.

I also sort of find the idea that not only do actors want to please when they're onstage, I find actors really want to please off stage a lot of the time, don't they?

We must break out of this limited circle of sounds and conquer the infinite variety of noise-sounds.

You might have been able to fool people the first time, or something, but you really can't make a successful sequel today unless people really, really liked the predecessor.

I always want to know whether the customers are satisfied; customer satisfaction is, after all, my ultimate goal!

Many times through the ages, like as not the chance appears, but because of indecision, man's fond hopes are drowned in tears.

If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding.