I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

Life is like a game, once your piece is on the board there is no leaving until you have finished. It does not matter how you finished just that you pass the line...

The sweetest flower that blows I give you as we part. For you it is a rose For me it is my heart.

I just tape four Tylenols to it.

Nothing has changed, or will change. So we must change it.

The Christian is the most contented man in the world, but he is the least contented with the world.

In proportion to the size of the vessel of faith, brought by us to the Lord, is the measure we draw out of His overflowing grace.

Reality is devoid of any intrinsic identity that can be captured by any one single proposition - that is what Buddha meant by "voidness."

Sometimes...you have to try to forget people you love just so you can keep living.

I am human, all too bloody human.

Honor is a term much used but little understood.