I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training.

Parkour teaches you to be sure of what you are able to do.

Most phenomenal startup teams create businesses that ultimately fail. Why? They built something that nobody wanted.

Gradually, you were given a description of the world, a way of seeing, which is largely sexual.

I had to stop going to auditions thinking, 'Oh, I hope they like me.' I had to go in thinking I was the answer to their problem.

In courtship, who wins and who loses will determine who passes on their DNA to tomorrow.

I still enjoy the company of most dogs more than that of most people, because dogs are capable of uncomplicated enthusiasm.

I lead a very boring, normal life.

Ready when you are, Sergeant Pempbry.

I had the insane misconception that I was ready to conquer the known universe with Tähtivaeltaja. No mercy!