I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Success lies not in our strength but our ability to do the right thing.

Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration on something or someone else.

A noble and resolute people can safely tread a dark and fearsome path if they always shine before them the lamps of wisdom and valor.

Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money.

This music won't do. There's not enough sarcasm in it.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

I am the inferior of any man whose rights I trample underfoot.

I am really sobered by what's happening to ecosystems around our planet and to the wildlife that is to be found there.

When a woman is twenty, a child deforms her; when she is thirty, he preserves her; and when forty, he makes her young again.

When a company goes bankrupt, you as a company have absolutely no say whatsoever as to what happens.