I get all of my comedy from CNN.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

I just want to do cool stuff.

Once I found out how much an Off-Off-Broadway actor makes, I was whoring myself out the next day.

I learned more about elections on election night 2000 than I ever did during my 16 years of schooling.

I have a wife and two daughters; people who depend on me. Everything is more important than it was when I was 20. But now I'm like, "Eh, I made it this far."

I want to manufacture a feud.

If anything, there's more at stake when you're older, and more responsibility and more legitimate things to worry about.

I don't like gadgets for their own sake. I like gadgets that are tools. And I like simple gadgets that do one thing really well like a hammer.

I have to stay true to myself.

Ethanol is, in its pure form, just as much of a sham as oil.

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional.

I can be patient, but I am not God! Don't take me for granted, or you will spend your life gathering my scattered self!

Independence is happiness.

If your cloak was a gift, I appreciate it; if it was a loan, I'm not through with it yet.

Surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don't expect it and often feel they don't deserve it.

It is important that man dreams, but it is perhaps equally important that he can laugh at his own dreams.

My sons named her Bridget because that way they always had their sister, Bridget, with them. People thought we were nuts because on the phone they'd hear us say, "Bridget, sit!"

I am undone! I have smashed the waggon. [I have ruined all.]

Buff Bagwell ain't nothin' but a chippendale dancer!

Every golf course should have its carbon rating on the scorecard, alongside its Course Rating, Slope, par and yardage.