I get maximum satisfaction out of buying children's clothes online.

Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.

Don't judge me. I made a lot of money.

Kids do have to learn that life is a humiliating charade of endless disappointment and tragedy ultimately culminating in pain, decay, and death. My parents used to sing me to sleep with that one.

I'm capable of living in the moment. And I'm especially capable of living in the moment of sitting on my sofa and watching other people's moments.

I dislike Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone. But that's no reason to be rude to Ted's loving wife and possible hostage.

There's a danger zone if you take yourself too seriously. It's a terrible trap to fall into. I think it's the death of comedy.

It's like you can't even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting some blowback.

I continue to be very shy. I think a lot of actors and performers are really weird, shy people working it out onstage. I don't know why that is.

You don't want to be glib; you want to treat every story respectfully.

I grew up an only child, so I was so much more adult. My eldest daughter is 10, and I was so much more of an adult than she is. She just doesn't care for the real world. She's not interested.

Religion + Good Works = Good WorksSolve for Religion.

People seem weak, but they're strong. They seem strong, but they're weak.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I've always worked hard.

The one thing I always said to myself was that when baseball started to feel more like a job, it would be time to move forward.

Sometimes I think opposable thumbs were invented so teenage girls could use text messaging.

We're in a decaying culture now. Naturally, the young people in the culture are going to feel themselves to be products of the decay.

As someone who has been asked to ask David Lynch what his movies mean for 25 years, I'm very careful about asking artists what their art means.

It is when we think we lead that we are most led.

There's four seasons in the UK, spring, autumn, winter and winter.

Corruption wins not more than honesty. Still in thy right hand carry gentle peace, To silence envious tongues.