I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Positive life, positive deed.

For parlour use the vague generality is a lifesaver.

I don't think it's any secret I've never been an advocate for the Affordable Care Act.

Ask for help. Receiving is an act of generosity.

I want to make the programs very strong.

I turn people into human beings by not making them into gods.

I try to please myself. I don't try to anticipate what people want to see.

I think some of that hopelessness of my generation got passed on to later generations - the sense of uselessness.

I don't really even go out that much now except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised.

Geometry is one of the handles of science and philosophy.