I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.

As an investor my job is to figure out what will happen rather than what should happen.

No matter what happens, you always need someone else to look after you at the end.

Why do we celebrate the opening of a bar so much?

Stillness, insight, and wisdom arise only when we can settle into being complete in this moment, without having to seek or hold on to or reject anything.

Change, like youth, is purely wasted on the young.

I'm just the type of person that realizes that someone is always going to have something to say so I could care less about it.

Maybe most Moslems peaceful, but until they recognize and destroy their growing jihadist cancer they must be held responsible.

There is always something a woman will prefer to the truth.

Whatever you are waiting for-peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of Simple Abundance-it will surely come, but only when you are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.