I get so into the moment.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

There’s never a right or wrong side in a divorce case, but, given the human capacity for hate, the breakup of a legal relationship so tied to emotion often brought out the worst in people.

We are all one - or at least we should be - and it is our job, our duty, and our great challenge to fight the voices of division and seek the salve of reconciliation.

There is no rest for the person who has envy, and there is no love for the person who has bad manners.

The subject’s pulse increased on contact,” he said. “Don’t write that.

Let your life yield a sweet, winsome melody that this old world needs so desperately. Yes you can if you will.

I am confident that we will find evidence that makes it clear he had weapons of mass destruction.

We stand, as it were, on the shore, and see multitudes of our fellow beings struggling in the water, stretching forth their arms, sinking, drowning, and we are powerless to assist them.

I dress to kill, but tastefully.

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We think everyone but us need the unadulterated truth.