I give thanks for all that has passed, for all that is passing, and for all that is yet to come.

Perhaps the way to succeed is to think of life on Earth as a colossal joke, a creation of such immense stupidity that the only way to live is to laugh until you think your heart will break.

I don't get nearly enough credit in life for the things I manage not to say.

The imagination can be dangerous. It can change the world. And that is why we write.

Self-knowledge is essential not only to writing, but to doing almost anything really well. It allows you to work through from a deep place - from the deep, dark corners of your subconscious mind.

Osbert was the only one who didn't seem suspicious. He was so interested in the Decline of Western Civilization that he missed the version of it taking place under his nose.

This was what happiness felt like - this wondrous, miraculous alternative to dread.

While working in advertising, I channelled my creative energy into elaborate escape fantasies: cake making, dog breeding, the Peace Corps.

Things Happen and once they start happening you pretty much just to hold on for dear life and see where they drop you when they stop.

If you haven't been in a war and are wondering how long it takes to get used to losing everything you think you need or love, I can tell you the answer is no time at all.

The soldier had stamped my passport FAMILY in heavy black capital letters and I checked it now for reassurance and because I liked how fierce the word looked

Don't believe in God. Love the world just the way it is.

If whatever belief you are holding on to isn't driving you forward in life, then it's time to let it go and let the opposite take charge.

He had been (Thinking? Praying?) It was all the same thing.

Being insulted by a smart-mouthed little punk like you.. really pisses me off!

There's something to be said for relatives...it has to be said because it's unprintable!

The only weight I ever lifted weighed 24 ounces. It was a Schlitz. I always replaced my fluids.

It is right to be content with what we have, never with what we are.

Is [Obama] the worst president ever? He's certainly the most destructive president we've had in terms of tearing apart this country and all of the freedoms that we have fought for.

I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done.

I have such a passion for theatre.