I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

That's one of the greatest things about music. You can sing a song to 85, 000 people and they'll sing it back for 85, 000 different reasons.

In science, the credit goes to the man who convinces the world, not to whom the idea first occurs.

I was always performing, doing silly voices. The teachers realized I could go one of two ways: be creative or destructive.

America needs to be a lot more like the Waltons and a lot less like The Simpsons.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

I have not hated the man, but his faults.

It is always so much easier to be moral than it is to be spiritual.

I would love to make a real jazz album someday because I never have. But that's something I'm not in a rush to do.

It is not a question of who dances but of who or what does not dance.

With sincerity from the depths of your heart to do the best you can, just keep going and don't worry too much that you're not Milarepa or Rechungpa.