I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

God pays but not weekly wages.

I love technology. We can be our own DJs wherever we go.

Ronald Reagan used to alarm other constituencies by speaking freely about the End Times foreshadowed in the Bible.

Teach my children to love! They'll learn to hate on their own

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

A fool is one whom simpletons believe to be a man on merit. [Fr., Un fat celui que les sots croient un homme de merite.]

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

Is it crazy right now to say I love you?” She didn’t even pause. “Given that I just stabbed you? Seems a little weird, yeah.

I used to think that having lots of friends meant that you were happy. That's really not true. Having the right friends means that you're happy.

There is an increasing sense of what can be called legal pollution.