I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

You know, most men would get discouraged by now. Fortunately for you, I am not most men!

I would not mind being a bit evil, for the larger good.

I will never understand people who think that the way to show their righteous opposition to sexual freedom is to write letters full of filthy words.

Tourism is the march of stupidity.

The first sexual experience is a significant imprinting of attention.

There is not a thing that is more positive than bread.

My knowledge of video games ends with Nintendo Mario Bros.

Anything you do as a group is fraught with compromise... But everyone 's got to do that, right? It's part of being a good parent, or a good boyfriend, whatever.

I've learned that it's important to spend some time in a relationship with yourself and not being defined by your partner.

I cannot remember the books I've read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.