I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Tyranny is always better organized than freedom.

There is always a best way of doing everything if it be only to boil an egg. Manners are the happy ways of doing things.

Every minute with a child takes seven minutes off your life.

The sea is always the same: and yet the sea always changes.

I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet." At that he smiled. "How would you know what feet taste like?" "I just know.

One place understood helps us understand all places better

There's a built-up tension in religion, and if you can release it, you'll get a huge and satisfying laugh.

A whole mind cannot create chaos. A conflicted mind can create nothing else.

I think there is some real therapy in getting your hands in the dirt and working with food.

A true artist is practically married to his or her art form so I just couldn't turn my back on it.