I got every Dan Shaughnessy book known to man.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

If you were always so serious about yourself, why didn't you start carving YOUR SELF.

There are things that are not sayable. That's why we have words.

Hatred is a death wish for the hated not a life wish for anything else.

Who begins too much accomplishes little.

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul.

Subconscious minds are no less fallible than the objective mind.

We should be a mirror of being: we are God in miniature.

I was convinced there as only one actor to play Templeton the Rat, and that was Tony Randall.

I am an entertainer. Cinema is entertainment. It is nothing more than that.

I'm not a drug user myself. I'm too little to take drugs - my body can't take it.