I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

It's about the music and that's it. I'm not an entertainer. But I do entertain people, see what I mean?

You can't make people respond.

Voting is a civic sacrament - the highest responsibility we have as Americans.

I'll be too old to face a difficult championship as the one in America will surely be.

One needs no strange spiritual faith to worship the earth.

I've always made music from the heart, and that's what I do. And at the end of the day, whether it works or not, I can say I tried my best.

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

No one plays this or any game perfectly. It's the guy who recovers from his mistakes who wins.

I was looking for excellence in any color or gender it comes in. Some of my top people are African American but not all of them.

It wasnt until two or three years ago that I actually learned that in the end he actually did kill someone. But that was a choice that he faced: to kill or be killed.