I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

True alchemy lies in this formula: ‘Your memory and your senses are but the nourishment of your creative impulse’.

知之者不如好之者，好之者不如樂之者。”“Knowing it does not compare with loving it

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

I shall strive not to be guilty of adding any fuel to the flames of hatred and passion which, if continued to be fed, promise to burn up whatever is left by the war of decent human feeling in Europe.

I like to play characters that are convincing, that aren't just straightforward and nice.

I was an outsider, never quite part of what was going on, always looking in. It turned out to be great preparation for writing fiction.

I always find it a little scary to say that I'm like a character.

As our net worth falls, so does our self-worth. Ironically, it's when we don't have it that we most feel we have to flaunt it.

You're listening to [the songs on Random Access Memories] and they're future classics. They've brought the sound of something that's been lost for a long time.

If you love your company and love what you do, you will serve your customers better-period!