I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.

I shuffle along, letting the current pull me, and i have the sense that I am like a rat caught in a maze of tunnels, moving endlessly toward some promise of...of what? Light? Life? Cheese?

I do not desire power, but rather to submit to the will of Elamm’.

Learning to pay attention to how your body feels can offer you rich guidance about your choices and direction in life.

The change which the writing wrought in me (and of which I did not write) was only a beginning; only to prepare me for the gods' surgery. They used my own pen to probe my wound.

Will looking after her, sighed.not for her, he said under his breath, though there was no one to hear him, for me.... And he leaned his head against the cold iron gate.

My father's religious life was not Biblically centered. He was a saintly man, whom I could never emulate, so I went into scholarship rather than into the kind of pastoral activity that he pursued.

It's not that "today is the first day of the rest of my life," but that now is all there is of my life.

There is a certain type of conversation one hears only when one is drunk and it is like a dream, full of humor and threat and significance, deep significance.

And I want to say that my grandmother was one of the biggest inspirations in my life. She taught me how to be a real woman, to have strength and self-respect, and to never give those things away.