I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Dream is a window to the other realm

A friend recently shared that even if he is in a rough mood, when someone smiles at him it enhances his kindness and encourages him to project a better attitude.

Men often applaud an imitation and hiss the real thing.

I am like a lemon. I'm pressed for more juice. When I have fun, there's still juice. I am not dried up.

I can't say whether or not I'll ever get married again, but I'm open to the possibility.

Love, joy and peace for the world, that’s what I want...peace for the world and love.

Every day we're given opportunities, some of us see them and some are too busy to notice.

If I liked an idea, even slightly, I would throw some money at it. I've had a lot of random things not work out that people don't know about.

Confidence comes from seeing so many sides, angles, views, and tangents. Because when you do select an approach or direction, you are doing so with better/ more complete information.

If you can come to the Olympic Games and leave with a medal then that is alright.